♡ Humour: 5 Jokes About Horny Men

An Old Man’s Solution

There was an older man that was married to a much younger woman, and he was having trouble lasting long enough in bed. So, he went to the doctor and was told he should please himself before having sex and he would last longer.

One day as 5 o'clock rolls around, he gets a call from his wife who says she's very horny. On his way home, he remembers what the doctor said and decides to relieve himself before he gets home.

He thinks, "Well, I can't do it in the car, but if I get under it I can pretend I'm fixing my car." So he gets under the car, closes his eyes, and starts pleasuring himself. A few minutes later, there's a tug at his pants leg. In order to keep the image of his beautiful wife, he doesn't open his eyes, but just hollers, "Yeah?"

A voice says, "I'm Officer Brown. What are you doing down there?" 

The man responds, "Well, officer, I'm checking my axle; I think it's come loose."

The officer says, "Well, mister, while you're down there, you might wanna check your brakes; your car's 2 blocks down the road!’

Mighty Midget

A woman walks down a street one day and runs into a man. the man says, "My your hair smells good today."

The woman then says, "Yeah ok."

The next day on her way home she runs into the same guy, the guy again says, " My your hair smells good today."

By this time the girl was freaked out, so she goes to the police station and tells the police man that she wants to file harassment charges on the man on the street.

The police man says "OK, for what ma’am."

The lady says "Well, everyday I go the same way home and on this street this man says that my hair smells good."

"Ma’am I don’t see any problem with that; he is just being nice," the officer says.

The lady gets a little mad and says "Well it is harassment when he is only waist high."

Horny Man Lingo (What Guys Really Mean)

Haven't I seen you before? = Nice ass

I'm a Romantic = I'm poor

I need you = My hand is tired

I am different from all the other guys = I am not circumcised

I want a commitment = I'm sick of masturbation

You're the only girl I've ever cared about = You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me

I really want to get to know you better = So I can tell my friends about it

It's just orange juice, try it = 3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head

She's kinda cute = I want to have sex with her till I am blue

I don't know if I like her = She won't sleep with me

I miss you so much = I am so horny that my male-roommate is starting to look good

Was it good for you? = I'm insecure about my manhood

How do I compare with all your other boyfriends? = Is my penis really that small?

I had a wonderful time last night = Who the hell are you?

Infidelity

A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope. The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill." The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.

"What's so funny?" asks the clerk."I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house." the man replies.

The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy in his family jewels." 

The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"

Crazy Lengths

A man walks into a bar and orders a double, obviously upset.

"What's the matter, buddy?" asks the bartender.

"It's a long story. I met this beautiful woman who invited me back home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and were just about to make love when her goddamned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the edge by my fingernails without any clothes on!''

''Gee, that's tough!'' commiserated the bartender.

''Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated. When her husband came into the room, he wanted to have sex with her -- but he had to piss first. And the lazy son of a bitch pissed out the window right onto my head!"

''Yeech! No wonder you're in a lousy mood."

''Yeah, but I haven't told you what really really made me mad. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished the husband tossed his condom out the window. And where does it land? On my goddamned forehead!''

''Damn, that really is a drag!''

''Oh, I'm not finished! See, what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. Turns out that their toilet was broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head!''

''That would sure mess up my day."

''Yeah, yeah, yeah, but do you know what REALLY REALLY REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!''


This is a collection of all books in :

READING OPTIONS BELOW!

OPTION 1

Instantly Download all 30 books in both PDF & EPUB through PayPal (sellapp)

OPTION 2

Download all 30 books in both PDF & EPUB through Patreon

OR

More reading options after the entire list of  books included below! You can also click each book to download it individually

Your Download List

    Total: $0.00

    Book 2

    1. Female Orgasm 101; Preparation, Building & Delivering it PDF & EPUB

    This manual is a plain-and-simple, instructional guide on how to give women orgasms..

    MORE DETAILS AND INSIDE SCREENSHOTS HERE
    Book 2

    2. Guide for Women; How To Orgasm Every Time PDF & EPUB

    This straight-forward guide can help you explore sexual skills mainly orgasm...

    MORE DETAILS AND INSIDE SCREENSHOTS HERE
    Book 2

    3. Alpha Male Style; Assertively Sexually Satisfying Her in Bed PDF & EPUB

    Most men don’t sense those times when she wants to bypass “making love” and get straight to “fucking.”.....

    MORE DETAILS AND INSIDE SCREENSHOTS HERE
    Book 2

    4. I am not a Starfish: A Female Step by Step Guide to Actively Participate During Sex PDF & EPUB

    Finally here are the simplified steps to enchant and surprise your man in bed, completely driving him wild.

    MORE DETAILS AND INSIDE SCREENSHOTS HERE
    Book 2

    5. The Art of Kissing - An Illustrated Step by Step Guide Into Kissing Techniques PDF & EPUB

    This book will help you to master the secrets of great kissing. With specific techniques for all types of kisses....

    MORE DETAILS AND INSIDE SCREENSHOTS HERE
    Book 2

    6. Female Pleasure 50 Creative Naughty Sex Moves to Thrill Her PDF & EPUB

    In this empowering book about the many angles of female arousal and pleasure, answers to questions every man wonders about.

    MORE DETAILS AND INSIDE SCREENSHOTS HERE
    Book 2

    7. Penis Massage; Complete Guide into Pleasuring Him with Your Hands PDF & EPUB

    This book is ideal for the mere pleasure of finally making his penis happy without penetration

    MORE DETAILS AND INSIDE SCREENSHOTS HERE
    Book 2

    8. Backdoor; An Illustrated Guide into Safe Anal Play PDF & EPUB

    This book covers everything newbies need to know and will guide you on communicating your needs to your partner....

    MORE DETAILS AND INSIDE SCREENSHOTS HERE
    Book 2

    9. Sexually Owning Her; From Seduction, Foreplay, Peak Arousal to Penetration Techniques PDF & EPUB

    You will learn that females conceptualize sex differently from men - and how you can take advantage of it.....

    MORE DETAILS AND INSIDE SCREENSHOTS HERE
    Book 2

    10. Couples Guide to Increasing Quantity & Quality of Sex PDF & EPUB

    With this alluring book you will make your partner your own stalker.

    MORE DETAILS AND INSIDE SCREENSHOTS HERE
    Book 2

    11. Cunnilingus 101; An Illustrated Guide into Eating Pussy Like a Savage PDF & EPUB

    This book is written for for anyone who want to know step-by-step how to give a woman exquisite oral pleasure with a deft tongue...

    MORE DETAILS AND INSIDE SCREENSHOTS HERE
    Book 2

    12. Size Doesn’t Matter – Get Her Off No Matter what! PDF & EPUB

    This guide will show you how to learn your size, but more importantly to learn what to do with that size......

    MORE DETAILS AND INSIDE SCREENSHOTS HERE
    Book 2

    13. Tease Ride Please; Sexually Satisfying Him PDF & EPUB

    Dependence on male thrusting alone to reach the heights of erotic glory is like trying to win a foot race on one leg.

    MORE DETAILS AND INSIDE SCREENSHOTS HERE
    Book 2

    14. Take Me Right Here; Making Your Woman Do Anything in Bed PDF & EPUB

    This will teach you to increase your girl’s arousal, so she’ll happily go along with everything you want to do in bed

    MORE DETAILS AND INSIDE SCREENSHOTS HERE
    Book 2

    15. The Male Virgin; An Illustrated Guide For First time Sex with a Woman PDF & EPUB

    If you are a guy and sexually inexperienced, don’t face your initial sexual encounters with uneasiness.

    MORE DETAILS AND INSIDE SCREENSHOTS HERE
    Book 2

    16. Goddess of Sex; Sexually Driving Your Man Crazy PDF & EPUB

    This book will hold nothing back, so strap yourself in — it's going to be a bumpy and grindy ride

    MORE DETAILS AND INSIDE SCREENSHOTS HERE
    Book 2

    17. Eating Pussy Guide; Oral Sex Positions for Pleasuring a Woman PDF & EPUB

    So few men are skilled at eating pussy, that even just reading a few pages of this book will literally put you in the top 1% of cunnilingus masters.

    MORE DETAILS AND INSIDE SCREENSHOTS HERE
    Book 2

    18. Fingering Her; Explicitly Illustrated Techniques to do it Right PDF & EPUB

    In this book, I’m going to reveal to you, all the techniques and moves for fingering a pussy.

    MORE DETAILS AND INSIDE SCREENSHOTS HERE
    Book 2

    19. Blowjob Done Right; Pleasing Your Man with Oral Sex PDF & EPUB

    No sex technique says “I love you” quite the way that a blowjob does.

    MORE DETAILS AND INSIDE SCREENSHOTS HERE
    Book 2

    20. Powerful Male Multi-Orgasm Masturbation Techniques PDF & EPUB

    Do you want to learn how to masturbate to a state of blissful pleasure that is far more lasting and intense than anything you have experienced?

    MORE DETAILS AND INSIDE SCREENSHOTS HERE
    Book 2

    21. Crack Her Code; The Art and Craft of Sexually Driving Her Wild In Bed PDF & EPUB

    This is a multi-dimensional sex education book that helps men become “Sex Gods”

    MORE DETAILS AND INSIDE SCREENSHOTS HERE
    Book 2

    22. Sexual Roleplays with Over 100 Demonstrated Sex Games PDF & EPUB

    When you indulge in the fantasies and games outlined here, you’ll not only be giving your sex life the time it deserves

    MORE DETAILS AND INSIDE SCREENSHOTS HERE
    Book 2

    23. Vagina Massage; Complete Guide into Pleasuring Her with Your Hands PDF & EPUB

    Now my friends what you have before your eyes is a master class in the art of mastering your woman.

    MORE DETAILS AND INSIDE SCREENSHOTS HERE
    Book 2

    24. Ultimate Sexual Stamina Program | The Blueprint to Mastering Male Ejaculation Control PDF & EPUB

    This program is designed to help men overcome sexual dysfunctions and regain their sexual confidence.

    MORE DETAILS AND INSIDE SCREENSHOTS HERE
    Book 2

    25. Couples Sex Guide with OVER 100 Demonstrated Sex Positions PDF & EPUB

    This book is just that antidote as it looks at various sexual positions which should always be up your sleeve......

    MORE DETAILS AND INSIDE SCREENSHOTS HERE
    Book 2

    26. Acquired taste; How to Eat Pussy & like it PDF & EPUB

    Don’t think it is all about pleasing her, here is why you should actually develop pussy appetite.

    MORE DETAILS AND INSIDE SCREENSHOTS HERE
    Book 2

    27. Female Ejaculation; Unleash the Ultimate G-Spot Orgasm PDF & EPUB

    If you want to learn the art of getting a girl to squirt on your cock you’ve come to the perfect place!

    MORE DETAILS AND INSIDE SCREENSHOTS HERE
    Book 2

    28. Couples Guide to Erotic Massage PDF & EPUB

    Dare to awaken your body, and that of your partner, to new experiences of sensual love and pleasure.

    MORE DETAILS AND INSIDE SCREENSHOTS HERE
    Book 2

    29. Thrusting Into her Pussy | Switching Penis Angle of Entry, Stroke, Rhythm & Positioning PDF & EPUB

    There is an art to making love, and just like the variety of paint strokes a painter uses to create a beautiful piece of art, a varied stroke technique is needed to truly create a beautiful and satisfying sexual experience

    MORE DETAILS AND INSIDE SCREENSHOTS HERE
    Book 2

    30. Foreplay Done Right; Getting Her Horny & Bothered PDF & EPUB

    Learn to put a woman in the mood so she can ache to be penetrated. Foreplay is one thing a woman can’t get enough of...

    MORE DETAILS AND INSIDE SCREENSHOTS HERE

     READING OPTIONS

     You’ll Get all 30 books in both PDFs & EPUBs

    Was $300 NOW $139

    OPTION 1



    Trending!

    Cunnilingus 101; An Illustrated Guide into Eating Pussy Like a Savage

    Tips of eating pussy for the first time!

    Blowjob Done Right; Pleasing Your Man with Oral Sex