♡ Humour: 5 Jokes About Horny Men

An Old Man’s Solution

There was an older man that was married to a much younger woman, and he was having trouble lasting long enough in bed. So, he went to the doctor and was told he should please himself before having sex and he would last longer.

One day as 5 o'clock rolls around, he gets a call from his wife who says she's very horny. On his way home, he remembers what the doctor said and decides to relieve himself before he gets home.

He thinks, "Well, I can't do it in the car, but if I get under it I can pretend I'm fixing my car." So he gets under the car, closes his eyes, and starts pleasuring himself. A few minutes later, there's a tug at his pants leg. In order to keep the image of his beautiful wife, he doesn't open his eyes, but just hollers, "Yeah?"

A voice says, "I'm Officer Brown. What are you doing down there?"

The man responds, "Well, officer, I'm checking my axle; I think it's come loose."

The officer says, "Well, mister, while you're down there, you might wanna check your brakes; your car's 2 blocks down the road!’

Mighty Midget

A woman walks down a street one day and runs into a man. the man says, "My your hair smells good today."

The woman then says, "Yeah ok."

The next day on her way home she runs into the same guy, the guy again says, " My your hair smells good today."

By this time the girl was freaked out, so she goes to the police station and tells the police man that she wants to file harassment charges on the man on the street.

The police man says "OK, for what ma’am."

The lady says "Well, everyday I go the same way home and on this street this man says that my hair smells good."

"Ma’am I don’t see any problem with that; he is just being nice," the officer says.

The lady gets a little mad and says "Well it is harassment when he is only waist high."

Horny Man Lingo (What Guys Really Mean)

Haven't I seen you before? = Nice ass

I'm a Romantic = I'm poor

I need you = My hand is tired

I am different from all the other guys = I am not circumcised

I want a commitment = I'm sick of masturbation

You're the only girl I've ever cared about = You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me

I really want to get to know you better = So I can tell my friends about it

It's just orange juice, try it = 3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head

She's kinda cute = I want to have sex with her till I am blue

I don't know if I like her = She won't sleep with me

I miss you so much = I am so horny that my male-roommate is starting to look good

Was it good for you? = I'm insecure about my manhood

How do I compare with all your other boyfriends? = Is my penis really that small?

I had a wonderful time last night = Who the hell are you?

Infidelity

A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope. The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill." The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.

"What's so funny?" asks the clerk."I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house." the man replies.

The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy in his family jewels."

The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"

Crazy Lengths

A man walks into a bar and orders a double, obviously upset.

"What's the matter, buddy?" asks the bartender.

"It's a long story. I met this beautiful woman who invited me back home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and were just about to make love when her goddamned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the edge by my fingernails without any clothes on!''

''Gee, that's tough!'' commiserated the bartender.

''Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated. When her husband came into the room, he wanted to have sex with her -- but he had to piss first. And the lazy son of a bitch pissed out the window right onto my head!"

''Yeech! No wonder you're in a lousy mood."

''Yeah, but I haven't told you what really really made me mad. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished the husband tossed his condom out the window. And where does it land? On my goddamned forehead!''

''Damn, that really is a drag!''

''Oh, I'm not finished! See, what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. Turns out that their toilet was broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head!''

''That would sure mess up my day."

''Yeah, yeah, yeah, but do you know what REALLY REALLY REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!''